*A note to concerned readers: this post is NOT what I had planned for next but, because I'm about to have an emotional breakdown, I felt that it was better for all those under my roof that I get in a little blog-therapy! Proceed, if you will.*
I'm a basketcase! My sweet baby has gone from infancy, to toddler years, little girl and now.....now, a teenager! Tonight, after looking through old pictures, I'm reminded of a certain conversation I had with my hubby exactly 8 years ago tonight. Our oldest daughter, the only child at that time, had been asleep for a couple hours and we were going to sleep ourselves. As soon as I turned off my lamp, I started crying. I was overwhelmed with feelings of panic, of disbelief, of "how did this happen so fast?"; a plethora of emotions. Patiently, the hubs asked why I was crying. I'll never forget my answer: "Tomorrow she turns 5. Soon she'll be going to kindergarten....then high school....then college!!!" He then replied, "I think you are leaving out a few years in there; it doesn't happen exactly like that." Listen, I married a smart man. He is not perfect but he is "right" a majority of the time. But, I really nailed that one, I really did! That night feels like only 2 nights ago. Tomorrow she turns 13!
We had a plan. Be married for 5 years and then have baby #1. Then, a couple years later would bring baby #2 and I was still lobbying for a 3rd!! But, those were OUR plans. They sounded great to us and why wouldn't God want to fulfill them for us, right? Well, because they weren't HIS plans.
So, after being married for three years, which included the first two living in New Orleans, LA and the third in Columbia, SC, we found ourselves living in west Tennessee. We both had good jobs, we were renting a house, dump that it was, but we were happy. And ready to start trying to get pregnant. I gotta stop here and just say that I hate the phraseology of that last sentence because it just isn't always that easy. Here again, we thought we had the "plan" but in actuality, we had absolutely NO control in the situation. For the next 2.5 years, we would enter a world we never expected. It was a world that included disappointment after disappointment, a miscarriage, bitterness as we saw numerous single girls get pregnant, some multiple times, and several trips to an infertility doctor. Stop #2: God was gentle and gracious as we let go of our bitterness and please know that we are in a much different place now when it comes to single moms. After the purchase of countless pregnancy tests and even 1 false negative, we finally got pregnant. I'll always remember seeing the lines on that test "light" up and I almost fell down in the floor with disbelief! For the next 9 months, we would drive an hour and a half to Memphis, TN, where we would see my high risk pregnancy doctor. And then, after an 18.5 hour long labor and finally delivery, our sweet miracle arrived. We had chosen not to find out the gender of our baby, by this point, having thrown up our hands at plans and willing to embrace the surprise. I remember my doctor saying, "You have a beautiful baby girl!" I promise you, the next thought in my mind was "we can have tea parties!"
Over these past 12 years, we have enjoyed many tea parties, countless picnics under the front yard tree at our very first house here in Florence and so many conversations, books, tears and laughs, I can't count them all.
My Jordan. A name that represents the point of crossing for the Israelites when going from the desert into the Promised Land. A river....flowing with life-giving water. My Jordan. A lover of Jesus. The best big sister ever. Creative artist. Daddy's girl. A teller of stories to her little sisters. A heart that beats for people from hard places. A dreamer. A leader. Steady. Wise beyond her years. A teenager. My Jordan.
I'm so thankful that God loves us enough to NOT give us what we want WHEN we want it. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Present
It's funny. Last week, after writing my first post, I had at least 10 other posts in my head. But, I was sure that if I rattled them all out within a 2-day period, that would be it! I would have started this brand new journey and ended it...in less than 72 hours! Haha, lesson learned; "write down the topics as they come to me". What can I say, I'm a novice, right?!?!
I'm not one to make New Year's Resolutions but this year, I made some goals. Personal goals that I even wrote in my journal. You know, it is one thing to think about something but putting it down on paper takes it to another level. Yep, I wrote them down, even numbered them! Impressive, right? Well, before you find yourself thinking I have my act together, let me confess that of the 4 things, I haven't done any of them! But, you may be thinking to yourself, "Jennifer, that's okay, it's only the end of March. You have 9 months left in 2015." The problem is that one of the 4 goals has a monthly "to do" component to it; refer to above statement that says I haven't done any of them!!
So, I have my goals in print on January 1, 2015. But, as He would have it, God had been pressing in on me that there was more. It was lingering, like a cough I couldn't get rid of. Present. Just a word; "present". Creating a list of "to do" goals is never a problem for me. I don't know if it is because I'm a Momma or a woman but I never seem to get all my tasks done. I am a multitasking queen! I'm really good at "busy".....like, really good. Nonetheless, there was no escaping this awaited lesson; present. I knew that no matter how admirable or industrious my goals were, there were endless amounts of treasure found in joining God is this.
To be present...to enter into the lives of those around me, (my tribe, my closest friends, acquaintances and those with whom I will have only one lifetime interaction) in a way that helps me hear their hearts, not just their words; to lean in close and hear the Holy Spirit whisper to me how I can pray for them; to understand better who it is that God has created them to be; to be close enough to be blinded by the glimmer of the treasure they are, under the layers of expectations and assumptions with which I have covered them. Seeing the value in them with fresh eyes and allowing this process to forever change me and how I will interact with God's most valued and loved creation.
I have expectations of this little experiment though:
1. The first is an attitude change....towards others to where I focus on the person and NOT cover them with glimmer-diminishing soot because of little annoyances that I would normally tend to focus on.
2. Heart change....by loving those around me in a way that looks more like Jesus than the way I
have loved up to this point
3. Selflessness....because the fact that I have loved my tribe (all 4 of them) so conditionally just
nauseates me; there is plenty-o-work to do in this area people, plenty!
In the next couple of weeks, I will share some of what I have already learned on this focused journey. Meanwhile, I better get off here and go practice this "present" thing!
I'm not one to make New Year's Resolutions but this year, I made some goals. Personal goals that I even wrote in my journal. You know, it is one thing to think about something but putting it down on paper takes it to another level. Yep, I wrote them down, even numbered them! Impressive, right? Well, before you find yourself thinking I have my act together, let me confess that of the 4 things, I haven't done any of them! But, you may be thinking to yourself, "Jennifer, that's okay, it's only the end of March. You have 9 months left in 2015." The problem is that one of the 4 goals has a monthly "to do" component to it; refer to above statement that says I haven't done any of them!!
So, I have my goals in print on January 1, 2015. But, as He would have it, God had been pressing in on me that there was more. It was lingering, like a cough I couldn't get rid of. Present. Just a word; "present". Creating a list of "to do" goals is never a problem for me. I don't know if it is because I'm a Momma or a woman but I never seem to get all my tasks done. I am a multitasking queen! I'm really good at "busy".....like, really good. Nonetheless, there was no escaping this awaited lesson; present. I knew that no matter how admirable or industrious my goals were, there were endless amounts of treasure found in joining God is this.
To be present...to enter into the lives of those around me, (my tribe, my closest friends, acquaintances and those with whom I will have only one lifetime interaction) in a way that helps me hear their hearts, not just their words; to lean in close and hear the Holy Spirit whisper to me how I can pray for them; to understand better who it is that God has created them to be; to be close enough to be blinded by the glimmer of the treasure they are, under the layers of expectations and assumptions with which I have covered them. Seeing the value in them with fresh eyes and allowing this process to forever change me and how I will interact with God's most valued and loved creation.
I have expectations of this little experiment though:
1. The first is an attitude change....towards others to where I focus on the person and NOT cover them with glimmer-diminishing soot because of little annoyances that I would normally tend to focus on.
2. Heart change....by loving those around me in a way that looks more like Jesus than the way I
have loved up to this point
3. Selflessness....because the fact that I have loved my tribe (all 4 of them) so conditionally just
nauseates me; there is plenty-o-work to do in this area people, plenty!
In the next couple of weeks, I will share some of what I have already learned on this focused journey. Meanwhile, I better get off here and go practice this "present" thing!
Friday, March 13, 2015
The First Step Out of the Starting Block
It was my senior year in high school. I had three calendars, to keep a handle on all I was doing in school, church and extra curricular activities! The time of year....spring. The year before, I had run the 1-mile; a distance runner. I wasn't going to win any race but I had finally joined the track team. Apparently while entering middle school, I was so paranoid of being sent to the office for talking, I missed someone explaining that you could be in band AND be on an athletic team. My brother and I were always running all over our farm; it came naturally. By my junior year, I decided that if I was going to do it, the time had come. Distance, I would later discover, was much more of a sweet spot than sprinting but it was my senior year and I had to try.
I carefully placed my cleated shoes (they clicked when I walked on pavement....cool points) on the starting blocks. It was the last heat, which meant I was running with the slowest girls at that meet. That also meant that I was one of the slowest! The gun popped and I was off. Running the 100 meter dash is just a tad different from the 1 mile. Where the mile required pacing yourself, the 100 was my chance to run like a crazy person, as fast as I could. That was exactly what I did!
That season brought many things, the least of which were endless shin splints, charlie horses (cramped calf muscles) and dry heaves. It was NOT a thing of beauty, that's for sure! I knew my chances of setting new records for speed were slim to none, and more on the none side; we had the fastest 100 meter runner in the state and my girl was FAST. But I made it my goal to improve my time with each meet. It was about challenging myself to 1)do something I had wanted to do for several years and 2)to get better at it. In the end, I did improve....every time. I was in incredible shape and felt good about my body. At our sports banquet, I was awarded the first FCA Outstanding Christian Leadership Award that had been given to someone at my high school Boy, I never anticipated that and it meant the world to me.
Since the days of running across the horse pastures, jumping the creek in the woods where we played, I have been a writer. I've had times where the words came in rapid abundance. Other times, I would have rather had my teeth pulled than to verbalize (even on paper) my thoughts, my vulnerable places. But here I am, in the starting blocks again. My pretty, fit legs have somehow disappeared. Those clicky shoes only lasted one season and were exchanged for clogs and flip flops. The words that come out of my mouth are cleaner but the tone has grown harsh at times. Two things have not changed: I still love writing and Jesus loves me despite my "ugly".
So, I'm doing it. A blog. Putting myself out into this big world. My words; for anyone to read. Some will love it, some will hate it, while still more will come back, trying to decide what side of the fence they are on. This will be my new exercise, The potential is now present to be sharpened. To improve. To step out of the blocks and run like a crazy person. I'm nervous and I may dry heave again but in the end, as before, I have a couple of goals: 1)to get words out of my head and onto the screen, if for no one else but me, to keep me sane 2)to challenge the reader with stories of my own life and encourage you to lean into the "hard", listening for the Father's voice and 3)to always point back to my Jesus. He is the reason I live. And, if anyone comes to know Him as their Savior because of the life moments I share, then it will have all been worth it. This runner is on her mark.
I carefully placed my cleated shoes (they clicked when I walked on pavement....cool points) on the starting blocks. It was the last heat, which meant I was running with the slowest girls at that meet. That also meant that I was one of the slowest! The gun popped and I was off. Running the 100 meter dash is just a tad different from the 1 mile. Where the mile required pacing yourself, the 100 was my chance to run like a crazy person, as fast as I could. That was exactly what I did!
That season brought many things, the least of which were endless shin splints, charlie horses (cramped calf muscles) and dry heaves. It was NOT a thing of beauty, that's for sure! I knew my chances of setting new records for speed were slim to none, and more on the none side; we had the fastest 100 meter runner in the state and my girl was FAST. But I made it my goal to improve my time with each meet. It was about challenging myself to 1)do something I had wanted to do for several years and 2)to get better at it. In the end, I did improve....every time. I was in incredible shape and felt good about my body. At our sports banquet, I was awarded the first FCA Outstanding Christian Leadership Award that had been given to someone at my high school Boy, I never anticipated that and it meant the world to me.
Since the days of running across the horse pastures, jumping the creek in the woods where we played, I have been a writer. I've had times where the words came in rapid abundance. Other times, I would have rather had my teeth pulled than to verbalize (even on paper) my thoughts, my vulnerable places. But here I am, in the starting blocks again. My pretty, fit legs have somehow disappeared. Those clicky shoes only lasted one season and were exchanged for clogs and flip flops. The words that come out of my mouth are cleaner but the tone has grown harsh at times. Two things have not changed: I still love writing and Jesus loves me despite my "ugly".
So, I'm doing it. A blog. Putting myself out into this big world. My words; for anyone to read. Some will love it, some will hate it, while still more will come back, trying to decide what side of the fence they are on. This will be my new exercise, The potential is now present to be sharpened. To improve. To step out of the blocks and run like a crazy person. I'm nervous and I may dry heave again but in the end, as before, I have a couple of goals: 1)to get words out of my head and onto the screen, if for no one else but me, to keep me sane 2)to challenge the reader with stories of my own life and encourage you to lean into the "hard", listening for the Father's voice and 3)to always point back to my Jesus. He is the reason I live. And, if anyone comes to know Him as their Savior because of the life moments I share, then it will have all been worth it. This runner is on her mark.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)